Positivity, I’ve got a bone to pick with you…

Learning to love ourselves, loving life and “staying positive…”
It’s all well and good and, of course, that’s what anyone wants; who doesn’t want to be happy? But when you feel like those things are so out of reach where do you even begin…

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I’m often told I’m too literal for my own good, too “black and white.”

I like step-by-step instructions and the finer detail.

I once over-complicated something in a lecture to the point where a friend turned to me, exasperated: “When you turn a light on do you know the mechanics behind the circuitry of that light source or do you just accept that light happens and move on with life?”

– Couldn’t argue with that and, I have to say, it’s solved some of the, more trivial, existing dilemmas I had, so big shout out there…

However, with being “happy,” learning “self-love” and the absolute picnic that is recovery, unfortunately, I can’t be quite so passive. I need the how, the why and the wherefores.

“Learn to love yourself…” Ok, but I don’t like X or Y or Z about myself and nor would I like those attributes on a friend so why on earth would I be happy that they’re a part of me?
-How do you teach yourself to like something that you just don’t?

My poor therapists eh.

Like a true cynic, then, I’m going to suggest something a little controversial…

What if the secret is not to aim so high? Not to set a goal that seems, at first, so far from the current place it’s unimaginable…

I’m beginning to see how this may set someone up to fail from the start and I think it’s exactly where I’m going wrong.
Of course it’s discouraging when you feel like what you want is so far away from the reality.
I don’t particularly like failing I loathe failing so why would I set myself a goal that I feel I’m not going to reach, ever?! Exactly, I actively avoid it…

So, I’m going to begin with just tolerating things…

I’m going to try and learn to tolerate the things I don’t like about myself; I’m going to just try and tolerate a slight increase in my food plan…

I’m going to try and tolerate a little increase in my weight and THEN work from there…

Think about it, if I’m already uncomfortable with the first step in the agenda then where is the sense in planning after that??

I’m already dubious and not expecting any miracles (and also doubting, at this point, if “tolerate” is even a word…) but, actually, that’s alright. That’s ok because if I can learn to just accept these things, then maybe, just maybe I might be able to level-up.

But for now, we’ll just see how Phase One goes…

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