I’ve had a lot on my plate

I suppose I should really explain why I’ve been on somewhat of a hiatus…

I thoroughly intended to document everything. Everything, as it was happening, to show that no matter how terrible it gets, it’s still possible to come out of it.

Well I still haven’t come out of it. And I fluctuate pretty much daily between “yes, it is still possible” and “nope, not happening, not worth it, not interested.”

For weeks I was thinking how can I write about this? How do I put into words the fear and self-hatred I can feel burning at the back of my throat and stamp a positive message across it? How can I possibly write what is going through my mind-what I’m doing– knowing it confirmed my very worst fears about “getting better?” Continue reading “I’ve had a lot on my plate”

Out of the frying pan… into the fire

I said I wanted to be honest didn’t I? I said I wanted to give a real, present, on-going account of what this battle is, not what it looks like. I never wanted to paint some black and white picture, coloured only with hindsight, sharpened only by assurances from another, far away side…

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever written down. I feel sick with embarrassment, full to the brim of regret and, yet, strangely light-headed with confusion. Continue reading “Out of the frying pan… into the fire”

Having your cake… and eating it too

My patience is wearing particularly thin with a common self-help cliche- “Oh but that’s just the ‘anorexic voice’ telling you xyz…”

As if that little nugget of information solves everything…

Who cares who or what it is, it’s still there, alive and kicking, and it’s horrible! Continue reading “Having your cake… and eating it too”