Flatter than a pancake

Do you know what, I actually don’t want to die. I do want to live. But, I want to live “averagely.” I do want to feel but I want to feel some sort of normality- however wide the spectrum. I want to feel the variety of emotions, the peaks and the troughs of life, but not to an intensity that knocks me over.

Continue reading “Flatter than a pancake”

The chicken or the egg?

This originally started as an “anorexia recovery” blog but I’m coming to the realisation that it’s not as simple as that (as if anorexia on its own is ever “simple”).

No, if you were going to fuse together the “issues” in my head at the moment- what, with my relentless joy and zest for life (not), my desire to restrict, binge, purge, cry (rave) repeat- it would probably sound more like depres-orexi-mi-nge. Depresoreximinge. Depression, anorexia, bulimia, bingeing. Nice. Barrel of laughs, me.

But what came first..? Continue reading “The chicken or the egg?”

Out of the frying pan… into the fire

I said I wanted to be honest didn’t I? I said I wanted to give a real, present, on-going account of what this battle is, not what it looks like. I never wanted to paint some black and white picture, coloured only with hindsight, sharpened only by assurances from another, far away side…

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever written down. I feel sick with embarrassment, full to the brim of regret and, yet, strangely light-headed with confusion. Continue reading “Out of the frying pan… into the fire”